Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
