i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize