remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
