I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
