i think my tv is drunk
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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