youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
