Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
