You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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