Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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