Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
