i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
