The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
