I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
