Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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