I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
What a dumb baby whore.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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