I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
