Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
