I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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