GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
