uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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