Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I want her autograph on my taint
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
