I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
