I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
