He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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