I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
