It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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