Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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