I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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