So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
