pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
