if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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