K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
