the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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