i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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