she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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