It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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