There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I AM VODKA MAN
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
