Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
