I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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