if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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