I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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