we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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