you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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