I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
