All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
