Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize