Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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