Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
