I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
