Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
