she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
