Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
