I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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