My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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