she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
