thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
