I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
