I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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