I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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