I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
